Who the Hell is Andrew ??

I woke up early with buckets of left over energy from the night before and 5 texts from Andrew declaring how much fun he had last night. “Who the hell is Andrew?” Half-drunk and hungry, I took no notice of the texts and began my journey of discovery into the world of deep-fried meats covered in cheese and basked in the glory of milkshake dreams.

I spent the day violently and spontaneously twitching every time I had a blurry flash back of the night before. There were the usual memories of chain-smoking with strangers, coming on to the bouncers and dropping all the contents of my bag on the bathroom floor… but that was a standard night out. There were so many other bits and pieces that happened and I just could couldn’t piece it together. My heart raced to my arse as I thought of all of the possible scenarios. I vaguely remembered dancing with a group of strangers and getting photos with them. CRINGE! I danced with a young boy no older than 18  (shit! Did I kiss a young boy last night?) aww…fuckety fuck! I DID! I kissed a fucking teenager last night…

THEN my phone vibrated. Another text from this Andrew person. “Are you Alive?” it read.

Whatever happened last night Andrew has the answer! So I texted him back. mistake#3

 

 

 

Banana: the World’s Deadliest Fruit?

No Joke !! Someone here at work just slipped on a banana peel whilst eating a banana and fell over. That’s the second time in my lifetime I have witnessed this happening.
The floor is black! The banana is bright yellow! How did you not see that? Like, seriously people!! I feel like I’m in the latest issue of the Beano and Dennis the Menace is lurking somewhere in my office. Either that or I work with a bunch of clowns.

WHAT IS GOING ON??

Andrew the Ankle Toucher: Part One

THE QUESTIONABLE EVENTS of LAST SUMMER:

Saturday night in a corner of the darkened dance floor in a seaside pub away from home. Blurry eyed and struggling to dance because the sambucca had robbed me of my rhythm AND the tequila was making me perform for a group of strangers that were quite obviously celebrating something that had nothing to do with me. I’m sure I looked wonderful as my sweat blessed the passers-by and I grinned like the fucking Cheshire cat dancing to a song that no one else could hear. (Enter Andrew.)
He hooked his arm around my waist in an attempt to either dance with me or maybe just to keep me from falling over sideways… It doesn’t matter anyway because the whiskey dared me to kiss him. (MISTAKE NO.1)
AT 3AM the D.J suddenly announced that the night was over and switched on his brightest flood light. My eyes were tiny pin holes of blood-shot yellow that sprinkled black flakes of dried up mascara on to my flushed cheeks. Dark red lip gloss smeared around my mouth like I was a lion mid feed and the fumes of stiff alcohol that rocketed out of my mouth orbited my body and wafted anyone in its way. Andrew said “You look beautiful”. (Yes Andrew, I’m fucking breath-taking. LITERALLY. People are gasping in horror!) His lack of judgement here should have been a BIG warning sign but instead of saying a polite goodbye and legging it all the way to Dublin – I said

“Here! Please take my number and make sure you text me OH!…and here’s my full name and address so you can find me on Facebook and here’s my postcode too incase you want to send me a letter. Would you like my bank details so we can open a joint account?” (MISTAKE NO.2)

He said yes…

**to be continued**

THE 5 YEAR PLAN.

A friend of mine asked me yesterday, “So what’s your five year plan, then?” A standard question that most of us will have panicked over at some point in time. You losers may not know what you’re going to be doing but I have it all sussed out. Wait ’til you here how amazing I’m going to be!

On this EXACT day in five years time I’ll just be waking up. The view from my beach house bedroom window is breath-taking and as the sunrise glistens off my muscley boyfriend’s torso, he leans over gives me a hug and says “I love you so much! Please take this cash as a token of my appreciation of your kindness and eternal beauty”. I accept the cash… I proceed by having a full chocolate cake for breakfast as I have discovered a cure for weight gain and wash it down with a rich bottle of Pinot noir. (In the future everyone goes to work drunk… it’s great!) #MORNINGBUZZ
I put on my full length mink coat and head to the bus stop

(yes, I still take the bus… I’m very humble you know)
When I walk into work, people cheer loudly and throw confetti in the air. I laugh and say “That’s enough people! Get back to work!” My employees bow formally. I.AM.BOSS!! I spend the entire day firing people, judging my staff aloud, roasting them and screaming “Bring me my coffee boy!” However, for the people I do like I give them handfulls of lollipops, a pat on the head and a “well done YOU!” A very productive day, indeed! (I don’t mean to brag but word on the street is I am the best boss ever!)

Afterwards, Mr. Muscle picks me up in his Bentley. Wait! What’s that in the back seat?? God damn it! I forgot we had kids. Little Julian-Ferrero and Talloulah Emerald Bedard . (Not a part of the plan) Oh ya! They’re child geniuses/models so it’s all good!

We go back to our beach house mansion. I teach my children how to count money and how to rap to “Lose Yourself” by Eminem. We all eat ice cream and go to bed.
PERFECTION.

***(at the moment I am the office slave, I live in a shack, I’m single, bitter and the only cash I have gets instantly robbed by this annoying man who calls himself “the Landlord”- I hate that guy… but somehow I can taste the cake already!)

Sorry I’m Late

I literally just woke up and it’s 2016. WHAT THE ?!
So that’s the reason I haven’t blogged in ages… that’s my excuse and I’m sticking by it.

But man oh man, Have I got some stories to tell.
I don’t even know where to begin. I’m going to go gather my thoughts, try not to cringe too much and we can regroup later on for story time.

Look forward to hearing about Andrew the Ankle toucher, Daniel and the midnight reveal, tactless Tindr torture, Kevin the Alcoholic volumes 1 to 100, Bridget the Bitch AND a lot of dancing (and A LOT of Daily Anger, of course)
I bet you can’t wait.

Me…? Annoyed..? don’t think so

If you take a quick flick down my blog you will see that the main purpose of it is for me to vent my anger and frustration at EVERYTHING… So why stop now??

Here is a list of things that have annoyed me in the last few days:

1.) Walking past a wide eyed man in the shopping centre, I think to myself ,”why is he staring at me with that scared look on his face?” before I have time to examine any social cues…BOOOM!!I walk straight through his fart, an invisible, clammy fog of ass cloud… and he knows it, he has guilt written all over his butt!

2.) At the bus stop, I ask a woman if she could tell me the time. With no verbal response she raises her wrist as close to my right eye as possible and presents me with an upside-down watch. Never mind trying to decode upside down time… my eyes haven’t even focused yet. Then she’s gone! What was the time? I’ll never know.

3.) I am a pay-as-you-go customer on my phone because I don’t trust my money managing skills… So when I only have 0.13p credit left on my phone and I send you an urgent message in capitals saying “I AM RUNNING OUT OF MONEY! PLEASE CAN YOU CALL ME WHEN YOU GET THIS. THIS WILL BE MY LAST TEXT MESSAGE.” and I receive a message back saying “Who is this?” God D it! I sent it to the wrong number and I can’t even reply. Great! I missed the last bus and I have no money! I guess I’ll be sleeping at the station tonight!

4.) I met a guy the other night at a pub. He was very nice I suppose… EXCEPT he went on to tell me that he is studying for his masters, he knows 4 languages (English isn’t even his first language) and it’s his 21st birthday tonight AND he offered to buy me a drink. Jesus H Christ, I nearly karate chopped his neck! I mean, way to make a girl feel good about herself! I have been studying for a diet in English for 3 years now and I still can’t pass!! I sent him on his merry way.

That’s all I can think of at the moment but I know there’s more… I’ll stop there anyway, it’s wednesday and I haven’t even started making the margarita’s yet… (don’t worry, they are diet margarita’s!)

toodles x

Tonight’s Experiment : Surviving Cheese Dreams

To whom it may concern, To the idiot that left a delicious cheese platter in the fridge. Yes. I am going to eat that. All of that.

FOR TONIGHT, WE PLAY MY FAVOURITE GAME… CHEEEESSE DREEEAAMSS!!

I’m already half way through the platter and starting glass number two of some cheap red I picked up in the ghetto aisle at the supermarket. Things are gunna get weird tonight. Reeeal freakeey weird. I feel something happening now.

Last time I ate this much cheese I went to bed and hallucinated what can only be described as an angry jungle party, where only the elite animals of the ferocious world were invited (and me of course). I woke up in a cold sweat and had to eat more cheese to relax… because everybody knows the cure for cheese dreams is more cheese! Usually, a strong Red Leicester or an 8-ball of Gouda will do the trick.

If this is what I’m like on a cheese board binge… Imagine what I’d be like if I took Acid!! WOAH!! Maybe I’ll keep that experiment for next week. There’s a hell of a lot of cranberry brie in this selection, hopefully I don’t O.D. I’ll keep y’all posted.

Night, night!

Just another incident in the Library…

I’m currently in the library… listening to my ipod. Just realised that my headphones aren’t plugged in properly and everyone can hear my music listed on my “Library Beats” playlist, which includes tracks from artists such as: Gary Newman, the Backstreet Boys, Lion King the musical and many more songs selected from my guilty pleasures and beyond.

When the librarian finally came over to me, after what would have been at least 15 minutes of music and asked me to:

“lower the volume please”

… the Library and I were listening to this little gem on full blast:

“JEEEEEESSSSSSUUUUUSSSSS!!”

(THINKING BACK… I MAY HAVE BEEN LIP SYNCING WHILST IT WAS PLAYING)

I turned off my ipod completely…Now, I’m trying to keep my cool but I have a bad case of the hot flash- fidgeties and had to take to the keyboard to release the awkward tension directly into my blog. Why couldn’t I be listening to something more fresh like Hozier… that’s what the hipsters like… isn’t it? dunno… I need to calm down but this Library doesn’t seem to have a cocktail bar? STRRANGE.

Go to weight watchers, they said… It’s Simple, they said

that’s nice dear

This one time I ate too much. Now I’m fat… SO I joined weight watchers… erm, like 5 months ago and not much has happened. I’ve lost a few pounds here and there. I don’t know what Jessica Simpson is on about to be honest.

I don’t even know why I waste the money… I mean, even going to the weight watchers meetingS piss me off more than words can say! It’s just too much God damn positivity in one room… I can’t hack it. Straight to the pub after every week’s “inspirational” talk. On the second day, I lost my Weight watchers manual so I had to start guessing the points value of all food items… ONLY ONE POINT FOR A CHOCOLATE BAR? DON’T MIND IF I DO!! Last week I complained to the leader of my group that I wasn’t seeing any results… AND she told me (…get this!) to “stop my midnight feasting!” I’ll have you know that midnight feasting is a long, family tradition, one which I will not give up, you monster! Good day!

…yeah, I’m still fat. ffs!

so you can’t use a cork screw… Did you learn nothing in school?

I have currently locked myself in the bathroom at a strangers house. I suppose you want to know why…
You have no idea how excited I was when I was invited to this house party. Not only do these people live 5 minutes away, meaning I don’t have to pay for a taxi home BUT I was informed that nobody there would be drinking wine which meant that I could take my fancy wine to the party and I wouldn’t feel obliged to share! MISSJBEDARD DOES NOT SHARE WINE!!!

I’ve had this bottle in my room for about two months… it’s just been sitting there staring at me, begging me to drink it at 8am everyday. It’s been a difficult two months.

About 15 minutes ago, THE GIRL invites me in, introduces me to some local weirdos (hopefully none of them read my blog…) and then offers to uncork my date for the evening.
She disappears for a minute… then comes back- empty-handed and tells me the cork broke in half and it’s still inside the bottle. OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!! Being the considerate guest that I am I told her “You better fix this… I’m going to go to the toilet now and when I come back it’s going to be fixed.” AND SHE SAID (wait til you hear this!) ” I love you Jordan, you’re so funny!” EHM! EXCUSE ME! DO I LOOK LIKE I’M TRYING TO BE FUNNY HERE??? B**CH YOU BETTER HAVE A LARGE GLASS OF MERLOT OUT FOR ME WHEN I GET BACK!! OH.. MY.. WORD. so.. as soon as I post this I have to get out of the bathroom. I hate socializing.. I should have drunk that wine this morning.

On the plus side, there is a man downstairs with a glorious tweed jacket when I get nice and wined I shall barter with him for it.