so you can’t use a cork screw… Did you learn nothing in school?

I have currently locked myself in the bathroom at a strangers house. I suppose you want to know why…
You have no idea how excited I was when I was invited to this house party. Not only do these people live 5 minutes away, meaning I don’t have to pay for a taxi home BUT I was informed that nobody there would be drinking wine which meant that I could take my fancy wine to the party and I wouldn’t feel obliged to share! MISSJBEDARD DOES NOT SHARE WINE!!!

I’ve had this bottle in my room for about two months… it’s just been sitting there staring at me, begging me to drink it at 8am everyday. It’s been a difficult two months.

About 15 minutes ago, THE GIRL invites me in, introduces me to some local weirdos (hopefully none of them read my blog…) and then offers to uncork my date for the evening.
She disappears for a minute… then comes back- empty-handed and tells me the cork broke in half and it’s still inside the bottle. OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!! Being the considerate guest that I am I told her “You better fix this… I’m going to go to the toilet now and when I come back it’s going to be fixed.” AND SHE SAID (wait til you hear this!) ” I love you Jordan, you’re so funny!” EHM! EXCUSE ME! DO I LOOK LIKE I’M TRYING TO BE FUNNY HERE??? B**CH YOU BETTER HAVE A LARGE GLASS OF MERLOT OUT FOR ME WHEN I GET BACK!! OH.. MY.. WORD. so.. as soon as I post this I have to get out of the bathroom. I hate socializing.. I should have drunk that wine this morning.

On the plus side, there is a man downstairs with a glorious tweed jacket when I get nice and wined I shall barter with him for it.

Toilet Talk

GET OUT !!

Don’t you just love being at a crowded house party and the only bathroom there has NO lightbulb and NO lock… I like to call this the panic piss. If you’ve never experienced this… here’s how it’s gunna go when it does happen:

1.) Enter the bathroom as loudly as possible to draw attention that you will be in there… Hopefully all these drunk people will be able to read your mind.
2.) This bathroom is disgusting! No time to clean around though! The longer you stall before going for a pee the more likely it is that someone will walk in on you mid business
3.) sit on the toilet (preferably with toilet paper on the seat to protect the goods)
4.) Start to fake cough uncontrollably!! (People on the other side of the door may think you have pneumonia but at least they know you’re in there)
5.) Why did you drink so much f**king beer? This.is.the.longest.pee.EVER!
6.) KNOCK… KNOCK!!!… door creeks open 1mm. This is when you scream ” HEY !! I’M IN HERE!” in your most high-pitched, panic-stricken voice you can muster up.
7.) Flush. (OH GOD! OH MY JESUS fLIPPING GOD! You used too much toilet paper to protect the goods! All that’s not going to flush!! The water is rising.. up.. up.. You are nearly having a stroke… Your eyes are at maximum bulging capacity! FUCK! and then there is a miracle and the water goes down… PHEW!!!)
8.) Wash, fix up, look sharp and get the hell outta there
9.) Tell the guy that nearly walked in on you that it’s an honest mistake but secretly in your mind you label him as “the pervert”.
10.) After that stressful 3 minutes you need a drink. Where’s the beer?